Due Date

It's the day I've been dreading for the last 6 months.  Today was my due date for the twins. 

I'm a mess of emotions.  I don't even know where to start.  This post will be all over the board so try to keep up.  You'll know what Michael has to deal with... :)

I'm sad for what we thought our life was going to be.  We planned a lot in those short 12 weeks.  We were going to rearrange bedrooms.  Kincaid was going to move down to the big bedroom so the crying babies wouldn't keep him awake at night.  We had plans drawn up to add onto our house.  We were making a list of things that needed to be bought... carseats, another crib, another high chair, double stroller, etc.  We were picking out names that went together even though we didn't know the genders.  We knew at Christmas we would either have babies or be too pregnant to travel.  New Year's was going to be spent at home.  We wondered how we'd get to the hospital if there was a winter storm. 

That was taken away in the blink of an eye. 

I'm disappointed that we have yet to give Kincaid a sibling.  I know he'd be an awesome big brother.  He wouldn't be jealous or mean.  He'd be loving and caring.  He'd be helpful, except with dirty diapers.  

I'm mad that after all the time, effort, doctor's appointments, medications, shots, ultrasounds, etc that we have put into our infertility journey, it will never guarantee us another baby. 

I'm thankful for how close Michael and I have gotten because of this.  I'm thankful for how truly special Kincaid is.  I needed reminders of how great my life is 99% of the time. 

I'll openly admit that I like having control.  I like being behind the wheel.  But God is teaching me differently.  My faith in Him has grown because I don't have any other choice.  I have to know that He ultimately has control and I may think I drive my big-ass life truck, but He's the driver's ed teacher that has His own set of controls that override mine every time. 

My close friend who also lost twins suggested a song to me.  "Glory Baby" by Watermark.  I listened to it this morning and bawled and bawled.  Here's the chorus:

Miss you everyday.
Miss you in every way.
But we know there's a day when we will hold you
We will hold you.
You'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do 

It gives me comfort knowing our babies are in Heaven with Kim and many other loved ones.  I figure they're keeping her hands full.

Grieving is a long process.  I don't know if there will every be an end to it.  But, I have an amazing husband by my side.  I couldn't ask for more than that.  I will thank God daily for the blessings He's given me. 

Michael and I may have more children, but we will never forget the ones we've lost.