It's the day I've been dreading for the last 6 months. Today was my due date for the twins.
I'm a mess of emotions. I don't even know where to start. This post will be all over the board so try to keep up. You'll know what Michael has to deal with... :)
I'm sad for what we thought our life was going to be. We planned a lot in those short 12 weeks. We were going to rearrange bedrooms. Kincaid was going to move down to the big bedroom so the crying babies wouldn't keep him awake at night. We had plans drawn up to add onto our house. We were making a list of things that needed to be bought... carseats, another crib, another high chair, double stroller, etc. We were picking out names that went together even though we didn't know the genders. We knew at Christmas we would either have babies or be too pregnant to travel. New Year's was going to be spent at home. We wondered how we'd get to the hospital if there was a winter storm.
That was taken away in the blink of an eye.
I'm disappointed that we have yet to give Kincaid a sibling. I know he'd be an awesome big brother. He wouldn't be jealous or mean. He'd be loving and caring. He'd be helpful, except with dirty diapers.
I'm mad that after all the time, effort, doctor's appointments, medications, shots, ultrasounds, etc that we have put into our infertility journey, it will never guarantee us another baby.
I'm thankful for how close Michael and I have gotten because of this. I'm thankful for how truly special Kincaid is. I needed reminders of how great my life is 99% of the time.
I'll openly admit that I like having control. I like being behind the wheel. But God is teaching me differently. My faith in Him has grown because I don't have any other choice. I have to know that He ultimately has control and I may think I drive my big-ass life truck, but He's the driver's ed teacher that has His own set of controls that override mine every time.
My close friend who also lost twins suggested a song to me. "Glory Baby" by Watermark. I listened to it this morning and bawled and bawled. Here's the chorus:
Miss you everyday.
Miss you in every way.
But we know there's a day when we will hold you
We will hold you.
You'll kiss our tears away
When we're home to stay
Can't wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you 'til mom and dad can hold you...
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
It gives me comfort knowing our babies are in Heaven with Kim and many other loved ones. I figure they're keeping her hands full.
Grieving is a long process. I don't know if there will every be an end to it. But, I have an amazing husband by my side. I couldn't ask for more than that. I will thank God daily for the blessings He's given me.
Michael and I may have more children, but we will never forget the ones we've lost.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
Bye, bye 2012
I got this idea from my awesome friend, Amy. She does a reflection at the end of every year.
We had lots of drama, transitions, and blessings....
In 2009 I quit writing a Christmas letter. That was the year Kim died, and even though we have many other blessings in our life, that overshadowed everything and didn't want my letter to be a downer for all who read it. Every year I think "This is the year we'll have something noteworthy." I truly thought this was the year. Again, many blessings, but also lots of heartache.
The year started out with me training for a full marathon. But, a hip injury halted that. However, I will have to brag I ran 14 miles on my treadmill. Probably the furthest I'll ever run in one spot staring at the same wall. I may not have ran my marathon, but I did run a half and a hand-full of other races. I will always love running and racing.
We made the decision to finally move onto IVF after 4 years of trying everything thing else to combat infertility. The meds weren't my favorite, but I muddled through with minimal complaining... ok, maybe not minimal but Michael and Katie took the brunt of it. We were lucky enough to conceive twins! For a couple short months we planned out how life was going to be with two babies in the house. We knew it was going to be work, but we were ready for it. Michael is incredible with babies and kids. I've always said if anyone could handle twins, it's him. Unfortunately we lost the twins at 12 weeks. I'll spare the gory details that included three ER visits and two ambulance rides. It was the worst thing I've gone through physically and ties for second emotionally. It is one of the deep scars on my heart that will never truly heal.
I try to find the upside of everything. Michael and I have never been closer. I look at him in a whole new way. He was amazing and supportive through the whole ordeal. God has tested my faith and made me stronger, though some days I don't feel strong. I look at Kincaid differently too. He's our miracle baby. We still question how he happened with little ease and no complications. And perfect on top of all that!
We had a few transitions. August brought Kincaid's last day of full-time daycare (with the exception of summer). It was sad to think of him not going to Wendi's everyday. He misses her greatly. I miss her almost as much. I credit her for so much. The bond he has with her will never fade. I am thankful for that.
Kincaid started Kindergarten! Actual 5-days-a-week, 7-hours-a-day, eating lunch, recess, music, P.E. school. He loves it! He gets on the bus at 6:50 and home by 3:35. It's slightly surreal watching him get on the bus and realizing he's independent of me all day. How did he grow up so fast? For his birthday in March he got a go-cart. Future NASCAR driver? He's a really good driver. He has good control and understanding. His favorite is when Nash brings his 4-wheeler over so they can race around our house, down the grass strip to Mary and Leon's and back. They logged a lot of hours this summer on that 1/4 mile stretch.
Michael is unemployed for the first time since I've met him. After some undesirable events at work, he quit. His ethics didn't coincide with Cargill's and splitting ways was best. It's given him the opportunity to explore some other options. It sounds likes I'm trying to sugar coat it, but I'm just avoiding blogging details. I've found out how big of a name he's made for himself in his profession. He's met with companies that don't have positions, but want to create something just to get him on their payroll. I have a new-found respect for him and love seeing him grow professionally.
I finished out my 9th year working for the Dept of Ag. Still love it. I'm thankful it changes seasonally. I get down-time now, yet the full-speed-ahead during phyto season. It can't get stale when it's constantly changing.
We took a family vacation to Kansas City. We camped for 5 days, went to Lego Land, Sea Life Aquarium, Union Station, and visited great friends. It was a much needed break. We can't wait for next year's vacation.
Our families continue to be a blessing. I don't know where we'd be without them. Though they may drive us crazy sometimes, we'd never trade them for another can of mixed nuts.
It's been a blessing to live and experience another year, but I was
ready for 2012 to be over. 2013 will bring it's own drama, transitions,
and blessings. All I can say is "Bring It On!!"
We had lots of drama, transitions, and blessings....
In 2009 I quit writing a Christmas letter. That was the year Kim died, and even though we have many other blessings in our life, that overshadowed everything and didn't want my letter to be a downer for all who read it. Every year I think "This is the year we'll have something noteworthy." I truly thought this was the year. Again, many blessings, but also lots of heartache.
The year started out with me training for a full marathon. But, a hip injury halted that. However, I will have to brag I ran 14 miles on my treadmill. Probably the furthest I'll ever run in one spot staring at the same wall. I may not have ran my marathon, but I did run a half and a hand-full of other races. I will always love running and racing.
We made the decision to finally move onto IVF after 4 years of trying everything thing else to combat infertility. The meds weren't my favorite, but I muddled through with minimal complaining... ok, maybe not minimal but Michael and Katie took the brunt of it. We were lucky enough to conceive twins! For a couple short months we planned out how life was going to be with two babies in the house. We knew it was going to be work, but we were ready for it. Michael is incredible with babies and kids. I've always said if anyone could handle twins, it's him. Unfortunately we lost the twins at 12 weeks. I'll spare the gory details that included three ER visits and two ambulance rides. It was the worst thing I've gone through physically and ties for second emotionally. It is one of the deep scars on my heart that will never truly heal.
I try to find the upside of everything. Michael and I have never been closer. I look at him in a whole new way. He was amazing and supportive through the whole ordeal. God has tested my faith and made me stronger, though some days I don't feel strong. I look at Kincaid differently too. He's our miracle baby. We still question how he happened with little ease and no complications. And perfect on top of all that!
We had a few transitions. August brought Kincaid's last day of full-time daycare (with the exception of summer). It was sad to think of him not going to Wendi's everyday. He misses her greatly. I miss her almost as much. I credit her for so much. The bond he has with her will never fade. I am thankful for that.
Kincaid started Kindergarten! Actual 5-days-a-week, 7-hours-a-day, eating lunch, recess, music, P.E. school. He loves it! He gets on the bus at 6:50 and home by 3:35. It's slightly surreal watching him get on the bus and realizing he's independent of me all day. How did he grow up so fast? For his birthday in March he got a go-cart. Future NASCAR driver? He's a really good driver. He has good control and understanding. His favorite is when Nash brings his 4-wheeler over so they can race around our house, down the grass strip to Mary and Leon's and back. They logged a lot of hours this summer on that 1/4 mile stretch.
Michael is unemployed for the first time since I've met him. After some undesirable events at work, he quit. His ethics didn't coincide with Cargill's and splitting ways was best. It's given him the opportunity to explore some other options. It sounds likes I'm trying to sugar coat it, but I'm just avoiding blogging details. I've found out how big of a name he's made for himself in his profession. He's met with companies that don't have positions, but want to create something just to get him on their payroll. I have a new-found respect for him and love seeing him grow professionally.
I finished out my 9th year working for the Dept of Ag. Still love it. I'm thankful it changes seasonally. I get down-time now, yet the full-speed-ahead during phyto season. It can't get stale when it's constantly changing.
We took a family vacation to Kansas City. We camped for 5 days, went to Lego Land, Sea Life Aquarium, Union Station, and visited great friends. It was a much needed break. We can't wait for next year's vacation.
Our families continue to be a blessing. I don't know where we'd be without them. Though they may drive us crazy sometimes, we'd never trade them for another can of mixed nuts.
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